When you are a stay-at-home parent, one of the foremost challenges is time-management. Knowing how you spend your time, getting the necessary things done, and coordinating tasks is definitely something that one has to learn on-the-job.
Let’s face it. Housewives have learned how to manage their time effectively. No wonder they make perfect assistants, executives, and are more apt to remain calm in the most stressful situations. Men, on the other hand, are more apt to go out, work hard, and provide for their families. This is not to say that men do not make as good a worker in the executive roles of employment, nor does this mean men are complacent when it comes to time management – however, from my own observation and experience, there is much more demands on the housewife than we men give them credit for.
1. Ability to manage multiple tasks and projects in a given day
As a stay-at-home father, one of the more difficult things that I have yet to successfully handle is the ability to take on multiple tasks and projects in a given day. Personally, I have never been the one to plan out his day. My mentality is to simply just go with what needs to be done instead of actually prioritizing what truly needs to be accomplished. With this, there also is the lack of consistency. One day, I will have all things cleaned, laundry done, house vacuumed, kitchen cleaned and organized. From there, I have the ability to work on writing projects, blog, and publishing articles at the Seattle Multi-Faith and Marysville Parenting Examiner. Not only are these important, the ability to have the time to study and ensure that my assignments are completed within the designated time frame.
However, the most important aspect is the care and attention a beautiful 17 month old little girl deserves. This includes reading to her, working with her to be able to vocalize her needs, commend her for new words she is learning, interacting with her, playing with her and helping her utilize and develop her motor skills, as well as setting the example of doing chores around the house.
As I am finding out, leading by example, my daughter has developed a want to help sweep the floor. Because we have two brooms, she pulls out the one not being used and will make every effort her small body can accomplish in sweeping up the floor. She also loves it when I pull a chair up to the counter and allow her to stand on the chair while I am preparing lunch and dinner. She even helps with setting the table by pulling the chairs up to the table. And, the more we show her how to pick up after herself, the more likely she will take her toys, clothes, and the like into her bedroom and put them where they are supposed to be.
2. Consistency is the key to maintaining a clean home
If you are a perfectionist, it is difficult to settle down and relax when one speck of dust is not cleaned up. Perfectionism seems to give way to obsessive compulsive behavior. Neither of which I possess today. However, there is a happy medium that we must apply when one is having the privilege of being the caretaker of the home. When we begin to have consistency in accomplishing the necessary tasks that need to be done, we will find it easier to accomplish those things. We begin to develop the attributes necessary to find more creative ways to juggle the many demands of our time and attention.
For example, my wife does not like the fact that I get all the laundry done, and pile it all on the couch. For me, I have the laundry going, and as it is going, I work on getting other things done. When all the laundry is done, the final thing that I have to do is fold and put the clothes away. For me, doing it this way helps me unwind from the chores of the day, settle down and watch television and work on the mountain of laundry that I had just completed.
Is there a better way of doing this? Some prefer to fold the clothes right out of the dryer, get them put away, and then switch clothes from the washer to the dryer and start a new load if necessary. For them, this prevents the pile of clothes from appearing on the couch and it is one less thing an individual has to do. In this way, they find it easier to know that all has been accomplished, and they can settle down and relax.
3. Stop fretting over the small stuff and find ways to enjoy your life
Let’s face it, human beings are programmed to be socially active. Being a stay-at-home parent is challenging because we do not have the social interaction that our spouses have when they head out to work. I always ask my wife, when she comes home from work, how was her day. Listen to her talk about her day gives me insight in the things that she experiences outside of the home – whether it is good or bad.
While women have the ability to go on play groups and interact with other stay-at-home mothers, there is a real dilemma with fathers who are stay-at-home parents. It is actually more difficult for a father to go out on playgroups because of the fear that society has created.
This fear is based upon men being seen as depraved sexual deviants that are only out to harm children. In fact, such a premise is the basis for a Wall Street Journal article published in January of 2011 about discrimination of men in relation to children.
Despite this, there are some groups that are comprised of Stay-at-Home fathers that come together and enjoy the time with their children and other fathers. One such group hosts a weekly walk around Green lake and is found on the meetup.com website.
One of the things I do is take my daughter out and interact with her at a park. If there are other adults around, then I am allowing myself to be approachable and open to communication. Sometimes, this is how we are able to have that interaction.
However, do not forget that the main person we must reconnect with and interact with is our wife, or husband. whether it is having some quiet time and just watching a program on television together, playing a game, or having a conversation about the day. It amazes me how wonderful and reconnected I feel when I talk with my wife about how things are going, the frustrations of the day, and the many experiences our daughter and I have had on that day.
4. Life is not always perfect and a ray of sunshine
No matter what happens, sometimes it rains. It may be a light drizzle and overcast, other times it is dark, and rain drops like mini bombs from pregnant dark clouds hanging over our heads. Life has its ups and downs. We all face our challenges, and we all have those days when we wish we did not have to get up. This is true whether or not one is a stay-at-home parent. How we handle the emotional rollercoaster, the stress, and even those moments where we wonder if it is all worth it determines how we are able to bounce right back and remain standing in the bout of the ever present struggle of being human.
And, I will readily admit that there have been some days where emotions are as sensitive as a kitten’s whiskers and that I have found myself breaking down in fits of crying. Frustration pulsing through my veins and thoughts of not being good enough spring up from the depths of my soul. Knowing that I had at one time struggled with a deep rooted sense of depression, I recognize when those feelings come up.
What do we do? How are we able to cope? First, we have to remember that life is life, no matter what. We have to work with what we have, and we have to understand that there are the good things in life, and there are the bad things in life.
First, we must understand and accept the reality that if the situation was brought on by our own poor choices, or complacency, then we must buck up and accept the consequences and ride the wave until we correct the problem to begin with. If it is just that things go wrong, we must not fret, do our best to remain calm, and if need be, reach out to those who understand and those who we can confide in.
Secondly, the harder we try to avoid the bad the bad and create this illusion that all things are good, we are cheating ourselves of potential growth, and strengthening our character and identity. I have always held to the belief that we should not sit on the porch waiting for things to happen, we should be actively involve in ensuring things should be happening.
Thirdly, recognize and improve our weaknesses while relying on our strengths helps us get through those tumultuous times. We all will face trials, that is a given fact. We all will have bad things happen in our lives, that is a given fact. Yet, how we choose to deal with these trials determines how we will grow emotionally, physically, and mature in our personal being.
5. Stop worrying about what other people have and start focusing on enjoying what you have
When we look to other people and compare ourselves to those other people, we are inevitably setting ourselves up for failure. They have a nice house, they have a nice car. I wish we can afford a nice home and a nice car. It would be so nice to go on vacation to Disneyland. Oh how wonderful it would be to go out to eat at a nice restaurant.
How many times have we caught ourselves looking at what others have that we have forgotten what we have and are blessed with. When I catch myself doing this (not all the time mind you), I remind myself of this simple thought: Maybe they are looking at me and saying to themself ”I wish I had what he has”.
How true it is, and the more difficult part of this is that when a person is a single parent, they struggle with the most fundamental perception. They see happy couples spending time with one another as a complete family. For a single parent, there is that emptiness, a void where they feel entirely incomplete and have lost their own identity when the marital relationship had ended.
Even more true, for those fathers who are like myself, have a bigger hole in their lives when they have other children that other people have decided to prevent from knowing, or interacting with them. I can’t count how many times it broke my heart to see a father spend time with his little girl, or his little boy. Seeing the children laugh, hug, and love on their father broke my heart because I never thought for one moment I would ever experience that in my life. This was part of the reason for my severe depression that I struggled with. Knowing that though I am a father to three other children, I was not a father to them because I had been denied access to spending time with them – when there is no reason preventing me from having a relationship with them. Despite this, I understand and know that there are many fathers who do not have the luxury to be a father to their children.
Because of this, the ability to focus on what we do have and not on what others have, is a very difficult task, but it is not an impossible task. For me, I now have a beautiful daughter that I am grateful to have in my life. I am grateful to have a loving and devoted wife who stands beside me – even when my ego and arrogance kick in. We may not have the perfect family, we are a family and we have our own struggles and trials, but we depend on one another and are enjoying our journey through this life together. Are there things we can work on to better ourselves and our family? Yes, and what family doesn’t?
Thus, what does this all mean? It means we have to keep things in order and under control. We have to recognize the emotions, the trials, the challenges we face. We have to work to better ourselves, to improve ourselves, and to grow. If we are not growing, we are not learning. And, if we are not learning, we are not understanding.
Being a stay-at-home father is still a learning process for me. I know I do not have all the answers, I know that there are times when I think, I wish I could better provide for my family. Then, I am reminded that I am contributing in a way that is benefiting my family right now, and helping my family continue to grow and strengthen.
At the end of the day, what matters is the influence we have on our families and in what direction we are steering our families.
